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  • Writer's pictureScarlett Demy

Forever Love, Forever Alone?

When a person thinks about love, it is usually with the intention of permanence and security. The investment of emotions, the time it took to find the person, the regret of time wasted with relationships that didn’t work out, the fear of dying alone, the judgement of one’s worthiness as being higher when coupled rather than single, and the social pressure of the collective slowly embed fear after fear of losing a commitment of love so that a person is both anxious about choosing a partner and terrified of the possibility of losing their lover once in the relationship.

Yet if we examine the dynamic of relationships, they don’t usually last an entire lifetime. They last weeks, months, years and - sometimes lifetimes. This is judged by the ego as Failure.

The uncertainty of the longevity of a relationship causes the ego anxiety.

“If I end this relationship that I feel miserable in, then that means I failed. What will people think? What if I never find someone better?”

On the flip side, the human ego praises the long hauls.

“It’s your 25 year anniversary? Incredible!”

A 25 year long relationship is in fact a beautiful accomplishment, yet the real question is, is it 25 years of love and commitment to one another’s growth and happiness, a healthy balance of Self and other, and a sustained willingness to forgive and release back into love - or 25 years of attachment, fear, comfort, anxiety about leaving, staying together for the kids, etc etc? Do you wake up and smile and feel gratitude and bliss when you look at your long time lover, or do you breathe a sigh of discontented relief that you don’t have to go through your personal miseries alone at least?

In contrast, one might think that ending a relationship is a solution to happiness. Yet the relationship could be the greatest medicine for the soul by revealing all of the wounded aspects of the Self. Ending a relationship prematurely and running into another will respawn the same scenarios and arguments and difficulties if your soul wounds are not dressed. Staying single to avoid this mirroring may simply delay your progress. Yet if the alchemical heat of transformation in relationships is too volatile or there are too many impasses, retreat or withdrawal may be necessary.

What matters more than longevity in a relationship is presence. Whether you are single or with another, how you respond to each moment is what brings joy or misery.

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